Freewriting

I like spending time here at the book store.  The adjoining coffee shop is a little loud, but the people are all so nice that it doesn't matter.  I always know that I'll share one interest with anyone here: reading.  It is that same feeling of community that draws me to anime conventions (like the one I'm going to this weekend) or the ukulele conference.  I love feeling that I belong.  I love feeling like I don't have to worry about fitting in, because everyone around me is already a friend.

I used that word again.  "Worry".  Perhaps I do use it too often.  I cannot help it sometimes, though.  It is in my nature to worry, to stress, to be tense and uncomfortable.  I try to work on being more comfortable around people, but sometimes it is just too hard to change.  Even if I could change, would I want to?  It has become a part of who I am.  It is part of what makes me make the choices that I do.  If I didn't worry and over-analyze things, I would be a whole different person, right?

Perhaps I do need to make more of an effort to communicate with people, though.  Too often I find myself out in public, alone and uncomfortable.  I have no problem with passing conversation.  I can be pleasant to strangers around me with no difficulty.  I have absolutely no idea how to hold a real conversation, though.  It's part of the reason that I have trouble making new friends.  We have fun together and enjoy each others' company, but then the silence inevitably comes.  I don't mind the silence, myself.  I can tell that other people find it uncomfortable, though. 

The worst part is, I have no idea how to end it.  The more I think about how silent it is, the more my mind goes blank.  I search in vain for a subject to talk about, my my head just says "nope".  And that's that.  Not having anything to talk about just makes me more nervous, and it becomes a vicious cycle.  Am I the only one that feels this way?  Why is it so hard to do something that should be so natural?  I have no idea.  The only thing I can think to do is continue pushing myself out of my comfort zone and hope that eventually something clicks.